Dad, Don't Make Us Kill You!
by Centralia Currie
Summary: The Skywalkers are a normal family living in a normal town on planet Earth. Luke and Leia are sixteen and attend high school. Their father, however, is a workaholic who often neglects his family. How can his kids convince him of what's really important in life? Warning: AU. Vader is slightly OOC.
1. The Skywalker Household

**Disclaimer**: I don't own these characters or Star Wars.

**Thanks to** darthluna01. Her story "Don't Make Me Kill You" inspired this one.

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><p>"There we go, Luke…just breathe for me." Dr. Kenobi held his stethoscope up to sixteen-year-old Luke Skywalker's chest. Luke tried to breathe, but ended up in a coughing fit. Dr. Kenobi helped him with a drink of water before completing his listen to the young man's chest. Then he asked Luke to turn over onto his stomach. "I'm going to take a listen to your lungs. Could you cough again for me, Luke?" He put his stethoscope up to Luke's back, and Luke gave out a horrible deep cough.<p>

In the corner of her brother's bedroom, Luke's twin Leia Skywalker was biting her nails. "Is he okay, Dr. Kenobi?"

"Your brother is going to be just fine, Leia," Dr. Kenobi smiled, taking his stethoscope out of his ears and tucking Luke back into bed. "Right after he recovers from bronchitis."

"I have bronchitis?" Luke asked tiredly. He'd been up all night coughing, and soon after the sun was up, his father had called Dr. Kenobi, who lived right next door, to come take a look at him before he went to his office to see his regular patients. Dr. Kenobi, an old family friend, had obliged.

"Yes, dear boy, it's a simple case of bronchitis. You have all the symptoms. Coughing, fever, weakness, muscle pain…not to mention your lungs sound awful. Not to worry, though; you'll recover in a few days with bedrest."

"Can he take anything for it?" Leia hated to see her brother so miserable.

"He seems to have a viral infection, because his fever isn't that high, so the only thing that will help him is cough syrup. That, and some Tylenol to lower the fever." A clammy Luke nodded and took another sip of water.

"I'll see what we have in the bathroom, Luke," Leia told her brother, heading towards their shared bathroom.

"I must go out and speak to your father. Leia, is he in the kitchen?"

"Reading the paper and pretending to drink coffee," Leia confirmed from the hallway.

* * *

><p>The main reason that Luke and Leia Skywalker could never have normal social lives was because of their father. His legal name was Anakin Skywalker, but insisted upon everyone calling him Darth Vader. He wore a black suit, spoke though a respirator, and worked at a vice president at EmpireCorp, a robotics company with a CEO that scared the hell out of local politicians.<p>

Every morning, Darth Vader sat at the Skywalkers' kitchen table, read the paper, and pretended to drink coffee. He filled his favorite EmpireCorp coffee mug half-full, placed it in front of him, and read. Sometimes, he placed his hand on the mug's handle, to give the impression that he was _actually_ drinking it. But he never did.

Luke and Leia Skywalker suspected that their father had some sort of feeding tube in his black suit, but never asked. It took until Luke was twelve to learn that no, his father hadn't been born in the black suit, but had started wearing it after some kind of accident. Nevertheless, Darth Vader pretended to drink coffee because it made him look normal. Aside from reading the paper, it was probably the only normal thing he did.

The twins' mother was gone. She had died when Luke and Leia were toddlers. Somehow, Darth Vader had raised his kids by himself, although with a lot of grumbling, complaining, and threatening. Once, when Leia was having a sleepover for her birthday, Darth Vader had threatened to kill Luke for forgetting his chores. One of Leia's friends had been so startled she'd spilled a bottle of nail polish all over the Skywalkers' living room carpet, which caused Darth Vader to threaten Leia's life for making such a mess, even though she hadn't been the one responsible.

Needless to say, neither Luke nor Leia had ever had friends over again.

"Kenobi! Pour yourself a cup of coffee!" Vader said, speaking through his respirator and he pulled out a chair for his neighbor. "How's my boy? Will he be all right?"

"Luke has a case of viral bronchitis, which means that antibiotics won't help," Kenobi told Luke's father. "He needs to take cough syrup and stay home from school until his cough and fever are under control. He also needs someone to stay with him during the day; if he develops breathing trouble, he should be taken to the emergency room."

A sigh from Darth Vader. "I guess I'll have to call the kids' aunt. I have that blasted meeting with the new buyers today. Why the hell do I still keep this job? Why don't they promote some poor minion and make me the president, so I can earn millions while doing nothing?" He turned toward the stairs. "LEIA! Leia, you'll be late for school! Don't make me kill you!"

"What about Luke, Dad?" Leia thundered into the kitchen, her backpack already strapped to her back, holding a bottle of cough syrup in one hand.

"I'll take care of your brother. He'll be fine." Darth Vader took the cough syrup from Leia and shooed her out the door to school.

"I really should get going," Dr. Kenobi apologized to Darth Vader. "Good luck with your meeting."

* * *

><p>Luke was upset. He wanted his father to stay home and take care of him. Never could he remember his father actually taking care of him when he was sick; he always had to do something for stupid EmpireCorp. Instead, he sent Aunt Beru to look after Luke or Leia when they were ill.<p>

But Luke liked his Aunt Beru. She lived on a farm with Uncle Owen, and usually came bringing hot cereal, chicken soup, or fresh-squeezed orange juice, along with tender loving care. She was the caring mother Luke wished he had. Uncle Owen wasn't so bad, either.

Half an hour after Luke's father left for work, giving Luke a goodbye hug and get-well wishes, Aunt Beru arrived. "Luke!" she called. "Luke, it's me, sweetheart!"

Aunt Beru opened the door to her nephew's room and saw him huddled in bed. "Hi, honey. Your father called and told me you were home sick today. I'm so sorry you have bronchitis." She held out a plastic cup with a dosage of cough syrup. "I also brought you some throat lozenges; they're in the kitchen for you. Have you had anything to eat?"

Luke took his cough syrup and shook his head.

"Well, then, I'll make you some oatmeal. Here, honey, sit up in bed a little more…your lungs will drain better. That's it. Oh, look, your water glass is almost empty! You need some tea with honey, it's better for your throat."

Luke never got to eat his oatmeal. After a night of coughing fits, the cough syrup soothed his throat enough to let him sleep.

* * *

><p><strong>Up Next<strong>: Darth Vader at the Office


	2. EmpireCorp and Leia's Boy Troubles

**Disclaimer**: I don't own these characters or Star Wars.

* * *

><p>Darth Vader didn't carry a briefcase. Minions carried briefcases. And anyway, he tried to get all of his work done at the office. Whenever he tried to work at home, the blasted kids always needed something.<p>

He drove his sleek black Cadillac Escalade into his executive parking space at EmpireCorp, allowed the doorman to open the door for him, and rode the elevator up to the top floor.

"Vader, we have a meeting in the Imperial Conference Room ASAP," Jones, another vice president, told him as soon as he got off the elevator.

"Damnation," Vader grumbled, remembering his meeting with the new buyers. "Am I going to be expected to sit in meetings all day? Jones, don't make me kill someone around here."

"Hey, don't complain," Jones advised. "The Emperor called it."

The President and CEO of EmpireCorp was a man as old as dirt; seriously, he was in his eighties or nineties. He had some complicated name that nobody could pronounce, so behind his back, everyone called him the Emperor. The man needed to retire, but as long as the Board of Directors continued to like him, he stayed on.

Vader wanted his job more than anything.

As Darth made his way to the Imperial Conference Room, he passed several EmpireCorp minions in white uniforms and masks. The mask wasn't a part of the uniform, obviously, but the minions on the top floor wore them especially for Darth Vader. They didn't want him to feel all self-conscious at being the only person in a suit at EmpireCorp.

95% of Darth Vader didn't care. But 5% was eternally grateful to the minions. It wasn't easy having to wear the same black suit and mask all the time.

A minion handed him a cup of coffee, knowing he liked to pretend to drink it. Vader grumbled out a thank-you and took his seat next to the Emperor in the Imperial Conference Room.

"We have a very serious situation here," the Emperor spoke in his elderly-old-man voice. Vader was lucky he had a seat right next to him; the poor schmucks in the back had to strain to hear what the old man is saying. "I don't know how many of you saw the Wall Street Journal this morning, but RebelCorp is set to become a publicly-traded company by the end of the month."

"RebelCorp?" Vader growled. "What the hell is RebelCorp?"

* * *

><p>Leia Skywalker came home from school in tears.<p>

"Leia! Honey, what's the matter?" Aunt Beru soothed, taking her niece in her arms. She was baking cookies in the Skywalkers' kitchen while Luke slept.

Leia had seen her Aunt Beru's car in the driveway. It should have made her happy to know that her aunt was home, but instead, it had only made her break down into tears. "He—he won't leave me alone, Aunt Beru," she sobbed. "He h-humiliates m-me!"

"Who, honey? A boy at school?"

Leia nodded tearfully.

"Okay, sweetheart. Someone needs to change into something more comfortable, and then snuggle with Aunt Beru on the couch with a hot mug of tea. Here, honey, I'll even give you a few cookies." Beru dried her niece's tears and sent her off to her room.

About ten minutes later, Leia was in the living room in sweats, snuggled under a blanket with her aunt, sipping a cup of tea from one of her father's EmpireCorp mugs. "There's this dance coming up, and Han keeps asking me to go," she cried quietly. "And I don't want to go with him, but he keeps bugging me. He won't leave me alone."

"Is there a specific reason you don't want to go with Han?" Aunt Beru asked gently, pushing back of lock of her niece's hair.

"Because he's too arrogant. And he's always getting suspended."

"Sweetie, I think the best thing to do in this case would be honest. Tell him you're looking for someone more disciplined, and leave it at that."

"I've tried that, Aunt Beru. He doesn't accept that as a reason. He says it won't hurt to go to the dance with him just once."

"How about you find someone else to go with?" Aunt Beru smiled. "Go with your brother."

Leia burst into giggles. "Aunt Beru, I can't go to the dance with Luke! That's like _dating_ my brother. Besides, Luke never goes. He's too shy." She thought. "How about I say yes to Han, and then call him up and cancel the day of, saying I've come down with Luke's bronchitis?"

"Sweetie, you're a Skywalker. Skywalkers don't lie. Besides, if you don't go with him this time, he'll just get you next time."

"_Aunt Beru_!" Luke's hoarse voice called, followed by an awful coughing fit.

"Luke, _ring your bell_! Leia, honey, I'll be right back. I just need to see what your brother needs."

Aunt Beru didn't come back for a couple of minutes, so Leia went over to Luke's room. Her brother was hugging Aunt Beru tightly around the chest.

"Are you okay, Luke?" Leia asked her brother gently, trying to hide the alarm in her voice.

"Luke is coughing up phlegm, even though I told him it's okay, because it means his lungs are clearing." Aunt Beru tucked her nephew back in bed. "I know what you need, sweetie. I refrigerated that oatmeal I made you this morning when you were too tired to eat. How about I heat it up and put some cinnamon and sugar on it?"

"Okay, Aunt Beru," Luke sniffled.

"Here, honey, sip some more tea. Leia, you need some comfort food. How about I make you some homemade macaroni and cheese?"

Leia, still upset, just shrugged an okay.

Aunt Beru left to make dinner, and Leia sat on her brother's bed. "Did you sleep today?"

Luke nodded weakly.

"So you didn't hear if Dad called at all?"

Luke shook his head. "No. Aunt Beru probably would have mentioned it to me if he had."

"You'd think that Dad would call to check on you if you're sick!"

"Yeah, you would think," Luke mumbled.

* * *

><p><strong>Up Next<strong>: Darth Works Overtime


	3. Taking Care of Business

**Disclaimer**: I don't own these characters or Star Wars.

* * *

><p>Leia and Luke's Uncle Owen showed up around six, mostly because his wife wasn't home yet and he was starving.<p>

"Beru, where's Darth? Isn't he home yet?" Uncle Owen asked, not even bothering to knock as he came through the Skywalkers' side door into the kitchen.

"Nope," Beru called. "Not even a phone call, all day. Luke's been okay. Leia had a rough day in school, so I'm making her some comfort food that we can eat while watching a sappy movie."

"Well, if that's what you're making, it's my dinner," Owen smiled.

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, the Emperor was having a coronary over RebelCorp. All day, the memos hadn't stopped coming: Harrison Solo (father of Han) was rumored to be the investors' pick for CEO of RebelCorp. Darth and his team had better do well in their meeting with the buyers, or it was someone's head on a platter. The company needed to expand and hire more salespeople, to try and outsell RebelCorp. The designers' new ideas had better be super-innovative, or they'd be terminated. And so on.<p>

"Vader, we have a meeting!" Jones exploded into Darth's office at about two that afternoon. "The Emperor's had a coronary or a stroke or something like that. He might never work again. Someone needs to run the company until they appoint a new CEO."

Darth dashed into the Imperial Conference Room, crossing his fingers. It was decided that the company would function without a CEO for now, until they learned what the Emperor's status was. Until then, everybody had better follow his vision. They needed to be bigger and better than RebelCorp.

But Darth had a pang of guilt every time he looked at the picture on the edge of his desk. It was a snapshot of the twins as babies: Luke in a blue onesie and Leia in a pink one. Leia had drooled all over herself, but it didn't bother Lukey. He had wrapped his arms around his sister in the cutest little hug imaginable. Both little ones were wide-eyed and staring at the camera.

He would pick up the phone to call Beru and ask if everything was all right. But then another calamity occurred, and he'd have to put the phone down and race out of the office.

"Sir, it's past five o' clock," C3P0, a droid who functioned as Darth's personal assistant, said a little after five as he entered Darth's office. Only at a robotics company was it cool to have actual droids working as personal assistants. "May I suggest you call home and tell the family you'll be working overtime?"

"I'll only be here for a few more minutes," was Darth's reply as he scribbled out a new report.

There was a beeping from the outer office as R2D2, another EmpireCorp droid, beeped out a message for C3PO.

"And Artoo says the Imperial Men's Room is out of order," C3PO reported sadly.

"DAMNATION! Don't make me kill you!" Darth Vader growled through his respirator.

Darth finally made it home around seven that evening. Luke was in bed with a cold compress on his forehead. Leia was eating Aunt Beru's macaroni and cheese while watching some soap opera that Aunt Beru had recorded with TiVO.

"Leia, honey, how about you go to your room and do your homework? Take your dinner with you. We can watch the rest after you finish, okay? We can even have some ice cream." Aunt Beru sounded nervous; Leia knew _exactly_ why her aunt wanted her out of the room.

As soon as Leia made it to her room, she made a point of shutting her door loudly, but then opened it as quietly as she could to hear what was going on in the living room.

"Darth, _where have you been_?" Sure enough, Aunt Beru was cursing out the twins' father in the living room. "I didn't know I had to make the kids dinner!"

"The blasted Emperor had a coronary, so I had to work overtime. Every time I tried to call, something else came up!"

"I don't care if the Emperor has a coronary!" Uncle Owen was yelling. "When you have sick son, shouldn't Luke be more important?"

"_Luke_! How is the little starkiller?"

"He's fine," Aunt Beru cut in. "But he could use some support from his father, especially when his lungs are trying to drain. And poor Leia was crying. I've never seen the poor darling so upset!"

"Why is Leia crying? Is that Solo kid picking on her again?"

Aunt Beru rolled her eyes.

"Damn, Anakin, you don't even know your own children, do you?" Uncle Owen yelled. "I know you're trying to support the family, but these kids need a father!"

"My name isn't Anakin. My name is Darth," Darth replied, trying not to lose his temper with his stepbrother.

"Well, listen," Aunt Beru snapped. "If you can't take care of your own children, Owen and I, we're going to _adopt them ourselves_!"

"YOU HAVE NO RIGHT!" Darth yelled.

"_We do if they're being neglected_!"

"My children aren't being neglected!"

"Have you even _talked_ to them lately? Maybe they DO feel like they're being neglected," Uncle Owen snapped. "Come on, Beru, we're going home. Hopefully Anakin can look after his own household now that he's finally home."

"MY NAME IS NOT ANAKIN!" Darth yelled as his in-laws left.

* * *

><p><strong>Up Next<strong>: Han Loses His Mind


	4. Han Gets Dissed

**Disclaimer**: I don't own these characters or Star Wars.

* * *

><p>Luke was asleep. His father tucked him in and placed his little stuffed baby polar bear under his arm. It was a souvenir from a cruise the Skywalkers had taken to northern Canada when the twins were only about two.<p>

Padme had thought it would be very romantic, with her and Anakin snuggled up on deck watching the Northern Lights, a bundled-up toddler in each of their arms. But poor Lukey hadn't adapted well to the cold, and had nearly frozen to death_. _Padme had taken him down to the ship's doctor, where he's recovered quickly and spent the rest of the cruise huddled in the Skywalkers' cabin with his sister.

_Cute little kiddo_, Darth thought to himself as he left his son's room.

Next, Darth went downstairs and spooned out a bowl of chocolate ice cream for Leia. He found his daughter crying in her room.

"Leia, honey," her father said to her. "I'm very sorry that I can't be home more often, but you have to understand, I have a very difficult job." He paused and gave a few breaths on his respirator. "Your aunt says that you had a rough day in school today."

Leia nodded, then shook her head. "I don't want to talk about it, Dad," she said stubbornly, accepting the ice cream.

"Leia," Darth said slowly. "I too was once a teenager."

Leia just stared at her father in disbelief.

"I can help you with your problems," Darth continued. "Do you think your mother and I got along one hundred percent of the time?"

"Dad," said Leia flatly. "If you think I'm going to grow up to marry Han Solo, than you are sorely mistaken."

"That's not what I meant, Leia," Darth chuckled, "but while we're at it, I want you staying away from that Solo kid. Word has it that his father is up for CEO at RebelCorp. I can't have you hanging around with him."

Leia didn't know what RebelCorp was, and didn't care. What her father had said had just put a big smile across her face.

* * *

><p>The next morning, Darth pretended to drink his coffee as usual. Then he turned on the television in the living room and pretended to watch the <em>Today Show<em> while, in fact, he had absolutely zero interest in it and was actually checking EmpireCorp's stock prices online.

Luke was still running a fever and coughing horribly. Darth gave his son a hug—so much so that Luke's eyes welled up with tears as he wished his father would hug him more often—and wished his daughter good luck in school. Then he left for EmpireCorp.

Leia went off to school and Aunt Beru arrived shortly after.

"'Morning, Luke," Aunt Beru smiled as she walked into her nephew's room. "I brought some board games today. We can play chess."

"I've never played chess, Aunt Beru," Luke replied blankly.

"I know that. I'll teach you to play chess." Aunt Beru opened the game box she'd brought with her and started setting up the chess board. "How was your night last night? Did you sleep well?"

Luke shrugged and gave a couple of raw coughs. "I guess. I dreamt that Dad took his suit off and there was a giant polar bear underneath, and he tried to eat me."

Aunt Beru chuckled. "I have weird dreams when I'm running a fever myself, Luke."

The phone rang.

"Who could that be this early in the morning?" Aunt Beru asked aloud as she answered the phone in Luke's bedroom. Luke tensed up; maybe Dad had had an accident on the way to work. Darth Vader _was_ a bad driver; he easily got road rage and was always threatening to kill somebody.

"Hello…yes, this is Beru Lars…she has?" Aunt Beru was panicking. "Is she all right?" Pause. "Oh, good, I'm glad to hear that…has her father been called?" Another pause. "Oh, he has, has he?" she demanded, sounding annoyed.

From what Luke could pick up, Leia had gotten into some kind of incident at school. Finally, Aunt Beru hung up the phone.

"Luke, honey, I need to go to school and pick up your sister. There's been an issue at school, and she isn't hurt, just shaken. Her guidance counselor thinks it would be best if she were sent home."

Luke's heart was caught in his throat. "Is she—is Leia-"

"She's fine, honey," Aunt Beru smiled. "Now, how about you have some tea while I go and pick up your sister? We can all play Monopoly when I get back."

* * *

><p>Leia Skywalker had gone to school that morning with a plan. The first time that Han Solo had harassed her by asking her to the dance, Leia had replied, "Well, Han, I spoke to my father, and he doesn't want me anywhere around you."<p>

Which was 100% true.

Han hadn't taken very well to that news. After Leia had sauntered off, Han had taken it out on his best friend, Chas Bacca. Chas—nicknamed "Chew" because he had so many pieces of gum in his mouth at one time that it was hard to hear him say anything except make grunting noises—had gotten into some sort of fight in the gym before school. Leia hadn't been around, but she had been shaken enough that a couple of her friends had taken her to the guidance office.

The first thing the guidance counselor did was call her father. Darth Vader, although very concerned about Leia, was on his way to a meeting that he couldn't possibly get out of, advised the school to call the kids' aunt.

Beru Lars had just shaken her head in disbelief upon hearing this.

"Your father sends his regards," Beru told her niece as she drove her home. "He was on his way to a very important meeting and couldn't get out of it."

In the front seat of the car, Leia sighed.

"What happened, honey?"

"I told Han I couldn't go to the dance with him because Dad doesn't like him. And that's true, Aunt Beru! I didn't lie!" Leia cried. "He really does hate Han."

Aunt Beru had to smile. "And Han didn't like hearing that news?"

"No. Carrie and Marilou told me that Chew Bacca told Han, 'I told you so, Leia Skywalker hates you,' and Han didn't like that, so he and Chew got into a fight. Chew's nose is broken."

"Hmm."

"Yeah, Aunt Beru." Leia sounded spooked. "I can't go back to school tomorrow. If he beat up Chew Bacca, who's to say he won't-"

"Leia, honey, Han is never going to attack you. He likes you too much. In any case, he might show up to the house tonight with flowers and beg your father for his blessing."

"Very funny, Aunt Beru."

"Well, let's head home. I told your brother we could play a game of Monopoly with him."

Leia raised an eyebrow. "Who's going to be the racecar?"

* * *

><p><strong>Up Next<strong>: Leia Plots Revenge


	5. Darth's Executive Decision

**Disclaimer**: I don't own these characters or Star Wars.

* * *

><p><em>Mom was holding Leia, calling Leia her 'oogy-boogy.' Luke didn't know what that was, but Mom was smiling, so it had to be good.<em>

_ Mom put Leia back down in the playpen. Leia curled up into a little ball; she hadn't gotten a lot of sleep last night. There was too much gas in her tummy._

_ Luke crawled over to his sister and placed an arm around her, to let her know everything was all right. Sure enough, Leia curled up and slept._

_ Sometimes, twins can communicate beyond just words._

Luke felt it now. He felt that his sister was in a state of mild panic. _It's okay, Leia, _he thought clearly, and visualized sending his mental message to Leia, like an e-mail. _The people at school will take care of it. Aunt Beru and I will help you._

Sure enough, Luke reached out to his sister again, and felt a relative calm. Leia was trying to keep herself composed.

What Luke really needed was his mother. Mom had been that wonderful sort of mother who had been there no matter what. Luke barely remembered her, but he _did _remember being curled up in her arms for hours on end. Leia missed her too; Luke could often sense her hurt. He could also sense Dad's hurt; Dad missed Mom more than anything.

In fact, that was probably why he always insisted on working long hours at that stupid EmpireCorp. Being home hurt him; it reminded him too much of the twins' mother.

Aunt Beru and Leia arrived home. Luke heard Aunt Beru telling Leia to change into sweats or pajamas while she made her a cup of hot tea.

Moments later, Aunt Beru helped Leia into Luke's bedroom and sat her down on a beanbag chair. "There you go, honey. Just relax."

"Aunt Beru, I need more tea," Luke insisted through his hoarse voice.

"Coming right up, sweetheart."

As soon as Aunt Beru was out of the room, Luke turned to his sister. "Did you get the—uh—_calm vibes_ I sent your way?"

"Yeah," Leia grumbled. "It helped a little. Thanks."

"_What happened_?"

Leia told him the entire story.

"Hmmm," Luke thought. "I have an idea. Doesn't Marilou have her license?"

"Marilou's _brother_ has _his_ license."

"Well, don't ride the bus to school anymore. Pay Marilou's brother to drive you to school."

"Riding the bus has nothing to do with it, Luke."

"Isn't he there waiting for you when the bus stops at school?"

"No, the problem starts when I head to my locker. That's when he comes up to me. You need to get well and come back to school to stop him, Luke."

"I don't think I can _stop_ him, Leia, but maybe we can get even with him. We can make his life miserable so he'll never bother you again."

Leia, mug of tea almost to her mouth, froze. "And _how_, pray tell, is _that_ going to work?"

Unfortunately, Luke never got a chance to explain. Aunt Beru had returned with a new mug of tea for Luke. "Here you go, Luke, honey. Let me take your temperature, and then we'll relax and play a game, okay? Pull up your beanbag chair, Leia, sweetie."

* * *

><p>C3P0 had called a plumber for the Imperial Men's Room. Until then, everyone on the top floor had to use the Emperor's private restroom.<p>

If the Emperor wasn't incapacitated, he would have been steaming mad. But oh well.

More than anything, Darth Vader wanted to get home to his family. He wanted to make sure that Leia was all right, and that Luke was recovering from his illness. He didn't want to see his daughter to have to see a shrink for her problems, and he didn't want his son in the hospital with a breathing tube down his throat. It hurt that Padme wasn't around anymore to take care of the kids, and that he had to rely on his sister-in-law—who, despite being great with the kids, insisted that they were feeling neglected.

Heck, Padme would have probably insisted on the same thing were she still alive. Darth barely knew his own children, and he was ashamed to admit it. But he'd wanted to be the CEO of EmpireCorp for twenty years now!

The best part about being CEO of EmpireCorp was that the CEO literally did nothing. That's why a ninety-year-old man had been able to do it. The CEO just went to a weekly meeting with the vice presidents, who gave reports, and then went to a weekly meeting with the board of directors, where he gave a report. The rest of the time, it was killing time in his office from nine to five.

Once in a while, the CEO got to fire somebody or complain about the budget, and Darth Vader could complain like no one else. That's why he thought he was perfect for the job.

So, not only would this new position be a piece of cake, it meant a serious increase in salary. His salary would be tripled, to be exact.

"ATTENTION ALL SENIOR OFFICERS OF EMPIRE CORP!" one of the minions was squawking over the loudspeaker. "THERE WILL BE AN EMERGENCY MEETING THIS AFTERNOON AT FOUR IN THE IMPERIAL CONFERENCE ROOM! PLEASE PLAN ON ATTENDING!"

Vader let out a groan. Who the hell set the meeting for _four_? That pretty much guaranteed that he'd be working until about six. No meeting lasted only an hour at EmpireCorp.

C3P0 came in to see his supervisor. "Mr. Vader, sir, I highly recommend you call home and advise your children you will be working late tonight."

_The children_.

Darth glanced at the picture on his desk, the one with the cute little baby twins hugging each other. He thought of Luke, his son, who would end up in the hospital without proper care, and Leia, whose problems might cause her grades to drop and her mood to get even more depressed. He didn't want his daughter on suicide watch.

Not to mention, if Darth ever _did_ become CEO of EmpireCorp, a report of his children in trouble would mean that EmpireCorp's stock prices would go down the tubes.

That five percent of a caring human being that was left in Darth Vader stood up and threw his favorite silver pen down on his desk. He switched his computer off.

"Threepio, tell Jones and the others I will not be attending the meeting," he said briskly to his assistant. "I am going home to care for my children."

"Yes, sir, Mr. Vader," replied Threepio, sounding highly impressed.

* * *

><p><strong>Up Next<strong>: Lots of Cuddling


	6. Luke and Darth Reminisce

**Disclaimer**: I don't own these characters or Star Wars.

* * *

><p>Darth had found a note on the windshield of his Cadillac Escalade when he headed down to the parking lot to drive home:<p>

VADER—

DISSATISFIED WITH YOUR JOB? YOU HAVE TALENTS THAT WE COULD USE. COME ACROSS TOWN AND TALK TO US!

SINCERELY,

YOUR FRIENDS AT REBEL CORP

Disgusted, Darth crumpled up the note and tossed it into the backseat. He started his Escalade and raced home.

* * *

><p>Needless to say, Beru Lars was quite surprised to see her brother-in-law arrive home at two in the afternoon.<p>

"Darth!" she exclaimed. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing," he growled through his respirator. "I left work early. I'm here to take care of my children."

Beru had to pinch herself to ensure that she wasn't dreaming.

"How's my Luke?"

"Uhhh…" Beru was still stunned. "He's fine. I think he's feeling better, because he drove both Leia and I into bankruptcy in Monopoly."

"_Dynamite!_"

"O-kay. Ummm…well, Luke's in his room, and Leia's in her room, so…" Beru still stared at him. "Are you honestly sure that I can leave?"

"Positive. I've been thinking about what you and Owen said last night, and I really need to spend time with the kids."

Beru shrugged, told Darth that his kids were fine, and left, looking back over her shoulder almost the entire time.

Luke was indeed in his room, fiddling with his baby polar bear.

"It's Lukey! And his little polar buddy!" Darth exclaimed, taking a seat on his son's bed. "Son, how are you feeling?"

"Alright," Luke grumbled.

"I love this little polar bear. Your mother bought it for you when we went on that cruise to northern Canada. You almost froze to death, kiddo!"

Luke stared at his father. "I did?"

"Sure! We were all on the deck together, staring at the Northern Lights, and your sister needed a diaper change. So we all went inside, and your mother was holding you, and you weren't moving. Your skin was all cold. Your mother took you to the medical bay, and as it turns out, you had hypothermia."

"I never knew that about myself," Luke said softly.

"Well, kiddo, you got better. You cuddled with your sister in the cabin. Your mother swore that you two could talk to each other without words."

Luke blushed. "Twins are different, Dad."

"I know, Luke." Darth patted his son on the back.

Luke sat back and relaxed on his pillow. "Dad, what was Mom like? I miss her."

Darth reached for his son's hand. "Your mother was very special, Luke. Not a day goes by when I don't miss her either. She loved you and your sister more than anything else in this world."

Tears were running down Luke's cheeks, and he was frantically wiping them with a pajama sleeve. Darth took a tissue from his son's nightstand and started dabbing at Luke's tears. "Now, son, don't cry. I know you miss your mother, but she's still watching over you, and cursing me for not taking care of you."

"Is there any way that the doctors could have saved her, Dad?" Luke sobbed, reaching for another tissue. The tears were free-flowing, and he couldn't seem to turn them off.

Darth hugged his son. "No, Luke," he said softly, whispering into his son's ear. "You know what happened that night. It was an accident. Your mother and I were on a date night, and we'd left you and your sister with your aunt and uncle. We were heading to the farm to pick you two up, and we were rammed headfirst by a drunk driver. Your mother died instantly, and I…" he trailed off, unable to continue.

"And you're stuck in that suit," Luke finished for his father.

"Exactly," Darth sighed.

"Dad," Luke said, after an uncomfortable pause. "Don't take this the wrong way, but…I wish I could touch you. I wish I could see your skin. You're the only dad in school with a creepy helmet."

"I can't, Luke. I'll die."

"I know," Luke sulked, sitting back against his pillow and tossing his polar bear against the wall.

"Will this work for now?" Darth stretched his hand out in front of his son, and very gently pulled a black glove back, exposing about half an inch of his pale white skin.

Luke leaned forward in excitement. "Your skin is so _pale_, Dad!" he oohed. Then he frowned. "You need to get out more."

Darth had to laugh. "Are you feeling better, son?"

"I don't know, I guess." Well, at least he _sounded_ better. No wheezing or coughing. His fever felt as if it was waning.

"Need anything, kiddo?"

"More tea, Dad." Luke handed over the coffee mug that aunt had been filling with hot tea. It was a mug that he had made for his father in preschool. His class had written messages to their parents on coffee mugs as holiday gifts. On the side, in his shaky five-year-handwriting, Luke had written, "I LOV YOU DADDY. LOV LUKY."

It was Darth's favorite. Luke must have been keeping it.

"Coming right up, son," Darth smiled, even though Luke couldn't see it.

* * *

><p><strong>Up Next<strong>: More Cuddling


	7. A New CEO For EmpireCorp

**Disclaimer**: I don't own these characters or Star Wars.

* * *

><p>Putting Luke to bed was easy compared to calming Leia down.<p>

Darth made Leia a cup of cocoa and sat with her in her room. He enjoyed calling his daughter his "little princess." That was what Padme had enjoyed calling Leia when she had been alive…that and "oogy boogy," which Darth didn't understand.

At first, Leia refused to tell her father what had happened in school, but after some prodding from Darth, Leia told her entire story again.

"Leia, are you attracted to this boy?" Darth had to ask his daughter.

"DAD! Don't make me hurl. I HATE him!"

Darth chuckled. "Well, at least we got that out of the way. What makes you the most nervous, Leia? Facing him at school tomorrow?"

"I guess," Leia said moodily, staring down at her cocoa.

"How about I go to school with you and talk to your principal?"

"I am not going to school with my father," Leia declared. "I'll be the laughingstock of the entire sophomore class."

"Well, how about I just call your principal tomorrow, then? We'll work something out, princess. I want you to feel safe."

Leia shrugged. "Okay, Dad."

After a hug, Darth put his daughter down for an afternoon nap.

* * *

><p>The next morning, the people from RebelCorp had left another note on Darth's windshield.<p>

DARTH,

WE SMELL TROUBLE ON THE HORIZON. ARE YOU SURE YOU'RE HAPPY WITH EMPIRE CORP? CALL US…WE'LL FIND A POSITION TO SUIT YOUR TALENTS AND GIVE YOU A BENEFITS PACKAGE THAT ONE CAN ONLY DREAM OF.

YOUR FRIENDS AT REBEL CORP

Again, Darth tossed the note into the backseat. What was _wrong_ with the world today?

After warming up the car, Darth went inside to get Luke and Leia ready for school. He bundled Luke in an extra thick sweater to keep his lungs warm, and gave Leia a supportive hug. Then he left for EmpireCorp.

"Mr. Vader," C3P0 greeted Darth as soon as he stepped off the elevator on the top floor. "There is going to be a meeting of all of EmpireCorp's executive officers at nine-thirty in the Imperial Conference Room. Extremely important—the Board of Directors is naming their new CEO."

"Today?" Darth almost choked.

"Today," the droid confirmed. "They announced it yesterday at the afternoon meeting. You were at home taking care of the kids."

"Yeah, well, it was worth it," Darth told his personal assistant. "The Board of Directors would toss me off of the executive board if my kids were in trouble. Bad for the company's image."

"That's very true, sir," C3P0 affirmed. "Would you like a cup of coffee before the meeting?"

"No, I think I've pretended to drink too much this week. I'll be in my office brooding helplessly until the meeting."

"As you wish, sir." Behind C3P0, R2D2 made a beeping noise. "And Artoo says that the toilets in the Imperial Men's Room are still not working, but you can try the urinals."

"I'm still going to use the Emperor's bathroom. If I become CEO, I'm going to redesign the Imperial Men's Room anyway. Those lights are bad for anyone's complexion."

* * *

><p>The President of the Board of Directors was in charge at the meeting. He stood up at the head of the table as soon as everyone was seated.<p>

"Ladies and gentlemen, I regret to make the announcement that the Emperor is still in the hospital recovering from a massive heart attack," he said. The President of the Board of Directors was a boring man who spoke in monotone. Darth couldn't even remember his name, so he called him Mr. Smith. "He has taken early retirement."

"Early retirement?" Jones asked, eyebrow raised. "How old was he, anyway?"

"Fifty-seven."

Jones and Vader, sitting across from each other at the conference table, exchanged glances.

"Anyway," Mr. Smith continued. "The Board of Directors met last night in an emergency meeting, and we've decided on a new CEO."

Darth sat up straight in his chair. This was the moment he'd been waiting for basically his entire life! He was finally going to be the undisputed head of EmpireCorp!

"The Board of Directors has decided to appoint Earl Jones as the new President and CEO of EmpireCorp."

Jones was grinning from ear to ear, but Vader was outraged. He stood up from his seat, mouth wide open…which was hard for the others to see in his mask.

"WHAT?" he exploded, knocking Smith's coffee cup right off of the conference table.

"Vader, don't be upset," Smith said calmly, "but Jones has a clear vision for this company. He's going to lead us well into the twenty-first century. His first new idea is-"

"I DON'T CARE WHAT JONES' IDEAS ARE! DO YOU IDIOTS HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MUCH I'VE GIVEN TO THIS COMPANY? I'VE WORKED HERE FOR TWENTY YEARS!"

"Vader, I'll give you my position," Jones said enthusiastically. "You can be the new Vice President of Innovation. I'll nominate you for CEO when I retire!"

"DO YOU HONESTLY THINK I CAN WAIT THAT LONG?" Vader tossed his seat aside—literally—and went over to the credenza, where he began smashing empty water glasses on the floor. "_I can't deal with people who don't appreciate me_! I QUIT!"

"You can't quit!" Smith balked.

"Where are you going to go?" Jones challenged.

Vader thought. Then he remembered the notes that the enemy had been leaving on his windshield.

"RebelCorp," he announced proudly.

* * *

><p><strong>Up Next<strong>: Epilogue


	8. A Surprise Discovery

**Disclaimer**: I don't own these characters or Star Wars.

* * *

><p>The only thing that Darth took with him when he left EmpireCorp was the picture of baby Luke hugging baby Leia.<p>

C3P0 asked him where he was going.

"To get a job somewhere else," was Darth's huffy reply. "And no, you can't come with me."

"But sir," C3P0 sounded heartbroken. "Sir, I've known you since young master Luke and young mistress Leia were just teeny-tiny little humans. I remember the first time they came to visit you in the office with their mother."

"I'll call you if I need you," was Darth's reply.

Darth fetched the two notes from the backseat of his Escalade and drove across town to the nondescript office that was serving as RebelCorp's temporary headquarters until their building was finished. He sure was glad he'd worked late on Monday night—that was when the location of RebelCorp had been unveiled.

"I want to see the person responsible for these notes," he announced to the woman at the front desk, flinging the notes down at her.

"That would be Ben Kenobi. First office to your right."

Surprised, Vader went to Kenobi's office. "Kenobi, what the hell are you doing here?" Vader demanded. "You're a doctor, not a robotics engineer."

"I _am_ a doctor," Dr. Kenobi admitted. "But I'm also the majority stakeholder of RebelCorp. The other members of the Board of Directors have wanted you on the new exec board more than _anything_, Vader. They think that of anybody at that evil EmpireCorp, you'd be the one most apt to quit when provoked. You see, Vader, not only is RebelCorp hiring the brightest young scientists, but we're also dedicated to setting up an operation that will help save the environment."

Darth didn't give a hoot about the environment. But he was surprised when his neighbor referred to EmpireCorp as _evil_.

"There's no need to bore me with your resume. I know what you've accomplished," Kenobi continued. "Can I offer you the job of Vice President of Innovation?"

The same job they'd offered him at EmpireCorp.

Vader didn't expect to be offered CEO of a new company he knew next to nothing about, so this position came as no surprise, but he _did_ expect better treatment.

"Under one condition," Vader said after a few breaths on his respirator. "I refuse to work more than forty hours per week, and if I have to, it'll be from home. I can't let this affect my children." Pause. "Oh, and I expect a raise." Another pause. "And I expect to be able to bring my own personal assistants."

"I don't know about the raise," replied Kenobi. "But I'll guarantee the requests about overtime and your own personal assistants."

Darth held out a black-gloved hand. "Done."

* * *

><p>"You kids are spending next weekend with your Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru."<p>

Leia dropped her fork on her plate. It was dinnertime, and she and Luke were eating while their father was pretending to eat, as usual. "Why, Dad?" she asked curiously.

"I have to go a retreat for work. I got a new job today."

Luke and Leia stared at each other. "Just like _that_?" Luke asked, skeptically.

"Well, I quit my old one. They wouldn't make me CEO of EmpireCorp, so I got a new job at RebelCorp."

"Oh, yeah," Luke recalled. "Dr. Kenobi told me about it the other day as he was examining me. He said that he was going to buy up all the stock and hire the best people to drive EmpireCorp out of business."

It was Darth's turn to look surprised. Kenobi sure hadn't mentioned it to _him_. "But most importantly," Darth continued on, "it'll give me a chance to spend more time with my own children. I refuse to work more than forty hours per week."

Leia couldn't help it. She got out of her chair and hugged her father. "That's so nice to hear, Dad."

"Lukey! Come over here and give your old man a hug!" Darth told his son through his daughter's embrace.

Luke smiled, got out of his chair, and hugged his father. "Leia," he said to his sister quietly over his father's head. "Did Chew talk to you today? I heard that he was going to ask you to the dance now that Han is suspended."

Leia shrugged. "He can ask, but I'm not going to the stupid dance."

"You're not?" Darth asked, looking up at his daughter.

"No," Leia scowled. "I'm staying home with you and Luke. Dad, have you ever played Luke in Monopoly?"

THE END


End file.
